I haven’t done much in the last 6 weeks, but my daughter has completed her first work of art. Shortly thereafter, she ate the crayons. I have this framed, and with any luck, this will be the first of countless drawings from my Bean.
Happy new year! New year, new features! Welcome to Movie Squirrel Presents. For the regulars, you probably know of the Movie Squirrel, the worst movie reviewer in the history of cinema. And for those of you who tripped their way through the internet to get here today, note the linked text in the previous sentence. Those are the real words of the one and only Movie Squirrel.
Frustrated with Movie Squirrel’s utter lack in taste (I can’t be the ONLY one who likes That’s My Boy) I began allowing Movie Squirrel to pick the films we watch in our limited free time. The results have been so horrendous, I HAVE to chronicle them. Thus, Movie Squirrel Presents. In fitting fashion, the rating system for these films is inverted. The less acorns (stars) a film receives, the better it is. So, a 1-acorn flick is pretty good, and 5-acorn movies are as horrible as they get.
Preamble aside, let’s crack our first nut. Movie Squirrel Presents… Elegy (2008), starring the esteemed Ben Kingsley and the attractive Penelope Cruz.
NOTE: Movie Squirrel thinks every lead female role in every movie should be Penelope Cruz or Natalie “I am not a 12 year old boy” Portman.)
If every two-hour segment of my life was this long, I’d have already run 50 marathons in all 50 states, painted every Muppet ever and cured cancer. (These abnormally long two-hour blocks of wasted life would have enabled me to re-enroll in college all the way through med school, and a fellowship at a well-respected British cancer research center.)
Ben Kingsley is an ancient college professor who gets involved with one of his impressionable students (Cruz). He’s giddy like a school girl with the unprecedented amount of level-jumping he’s done to bag this chick, but every time he looks in the mirror, he realizes his shiny dome is as bald as his shriveled nards, so he spends one-twelfth of my day debating whether or not he should dump the world-is-her-oyster girl rather than tie her down to his inevitably sinking ship. And there is really no resolution to this dilemma he suffers. So the end of the movie brings me no closure, nor any information I couldn’t have gleaned from the damn Netflix synopsis.
(shakes fist menacingly) Movie Squirrrrrrrrrrrrrel!
RATING (5 acorns):
Let’s not dawdle, and just jump right into it, shall we?
Guardians of the Galaxy is the top ten movies of the year. Yes, all ten. It’s the only theatre film I saw in 2014… Oh wait, not true. I saw 22 Jump Street for my honeymoon. (Not ON my honeymoon…FOR my honeymoon. When you get married after having kids, time is short…about the length of a Channing Tatum flick.)
And the reality is that 22 Jump Street, although okay, shouldn’t be in any Top Ten list, unless its the Top Ten List of Movies That Shouldn’t Be on a Top Ten List…which on second thought, I will NOT post here.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! I drew these for my parents, both grandmothers and my in-laws as Christmas gifts. (I also framed the final pieces.) These four sketches are of my little Monchichi. Each of these is 9×12 ink on mixed media paper. The painterly looking one is an ink wash. They depict the Bean at various cute moments over the past year. The last one is my favorite.
Muppet Monday on actual Monday? Call the fire department. This one’s outta control.
Scooter is the lovable nerd who is always looking to please Kermit, a tag-along who somehow lacks the annoying quality most human shadows seem to possess.
In The Muppet Show, he inauspiciously debuts as the nephew of JP Grosse, the man who owns the theatre in which the Muppets perform. Scooter is a gofer for the theatre, tailing Kermit at every turn, and he’s been in pretty much every Muppet production since. They even Rule #63ed** him when Skeeter was created for Muppet Babies. Additionally, there’s this bit of utterly random information from the Muppet Wiki:
Scooter is a vaguely humanoid character of unknown heritage (as cited in Of Muppets and Men, when pressed about his family, he explained that his mother was a parrot but he didn’t know about his father).
Scooter’s original performer was Richard Hunt, but after Hunt’s death in 1992, the Muppet was seldom used until David Rudman lent him a hand (get it?!?!?!) in 2008.
**Rule #63 is cosplay/nerdspeak for an occurrence of a character’s sex having changed for the sake of the cosplayer. So like, if a chick dressed up as a female version of Blanka from Street Fighter, that would be an instance of Rule #63. Or, y’know, if Scooter became a girl. Skeeter. Rule #63.
I love the holidays. Christmas, man. It’s really the best. My birthday is two days after Jesus. I jump in the frigid Atlantic Ocean for good luck nearly every New Year’s Eve. And in 2010, I finally actualized my potential and became an artist in practice, not just in word. International Food Day, an annual pot luck event my boss runs out of our studio. He asked me to make a sign, and I made a map of the world from ketchup and mustard (and some other condiments). It inspired me to go for broke with art. Foogos, then paintings, and Mongos, collages… and here we are. And once again, here we are. International Food Day. This year, the sign is an infographic, for which I did all the half-assed research and designing. Infographics are something my agency is looking to get into, and I have every intention of being the guy that makes them. At least, I’ll put my best foot forward and maybe they’ll throw me a bone.